Friday, February 27, 2009

Lesser-known steroids (satire alert)

Thanks to Bryan Jones for pointing out this report from the great satirical site, The Onion, regarding some of the lesser-known steroids. A sample:

Estrogen: Popularized by A-Rod, who religiously injected this steroid in an effort to speed up his swing by strengthening his cervix, adding mass to his labia, and slimming down his rectouterine pouch

Document Clamp on the Nuts: Not so much a steroid as a method of increasing aggression and adrenaline output by fastening a large document clamp right on your nuts
And Bryan added an impressive list of his own:
  • Jeterbolone: transforms slick fielders with excellent range into permanent geographic points. See Bobby Abreu and the Washington Monument.
  • MrMetabol: users sport a marked hydrocephalic appearance and increased loss of balance consistent with ever enlarging hat size. See Barry Bonds and Spongebob Squarepants.
  • Piniellabolin: regular cycling with this baby causes users to walk to the mound like they've doubled down on the Depends, sound strategy in view of the chronic diarrhea common in injectors of a certain age. Piniellabolin has also been credited with irrational hostility towards left-handed relievers, long periods of wide-eyed unconsciousness, and the inability to remove a low OBP player from the lead-off spot.
  • McCarvipose: The steroid of choice for catchers and second basemen, the long term side-effects of brain cell loss, rapid acquisition of baseball ignorance, repetitive non sequiturs, and massive ego enlargement appear to become more severe with age. See Joe Morgan, Harold Reynolds and Joe Garagiola.
  • Mannystrol: closely related to Borastanon-250, the recommended two week cycle should never be attempted during a competition period as users lose interest in participation and often suffer from a heightened awareness of non-existent injuries.
  • GayRhoid: First introduced in 2004, not a steroid per se, but a fast-acting hemorrhoid treatment, often associated with self-absorption and erratic athletic performance as autumn temperatures decline. Users report elevated mood and distorted eyesight, which often results in dates with unfortunate looking-older women.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"adding mass to his labia" THE FLASH GAME!! hahahah Enjoy!